Book Review - Codependent No More
Author: Melody Beattie
Category: Intimate Relationships, Codependency
Quiver Score: 4.75/5
With more than five million copies sold by its twenty-fifth anniversary nearly a decade ago, Codependent No More is a startling, powerful book that has touched the lives of so very many.
I first learned of this book through the Men This Way podcast, and although the title did not speak to me, I decided to pick up a copy to see why it has been so popular for nearly as long as I have been alive. What I found in the first few pages was that I had never really thought much about the term codependency or what it means. Author Melody Beattie taught me more in the introduction alone than any other life experiences to that point. By the time I dove into part one and learned formally what codependency is, including reading through the comprehensive list (literally ten pages) of possible codependent traits – to name a few from the first page, “think and feel responsible…for other people’s feelings, thoughts, action, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny”; “feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem”; “try to please others instead of themselves”; “feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don’t have a crisis in their lives…”; and “abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else” – I knew without a doubt that not only had I at times been codependent on someone, but also that I know countless people who are currently codependent.
So what is codependency? Beattie gives many formal and informal definitions including this one by Earnie Larsen, a pioneer in the field of codependency: “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.” In my unprofessional interpretation, codependency can be any relationship in which a person seeks self-worth by enabling destructive patterns in another. It can also be any relationship in which a person seeks the approval/attention of someone to find personal contentment. No matter how you interpret it, codependency is self-destructive behaviour that must be alleviated before emotional self-fulfillment can be attained.
Beattie describes codependents as ‘reactionaries’ who “react so much that it is painful to be around people.” They end up in what is called the Karpman Drama Triangle: “They rescue, then they persecute, then they end up victimized.” Victimization is a common position that codependents find themselves in, or even subconsciously seek out, despite it being so disabling and counterproductive.
After painting a clear picture of how prolific and destructive the tangling behaviours of codependency can be, Beattie provides sixteen chapters of firsthand, sage advice to break codependency patterns. Regarding the victim mentality she writes, “Each person’s feelings are his or her own. Nobody makes anyone feel…except us…,” and “we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings…” Later, when discussing anger, she says, “Unpleasant feelings are like weeds. They don’t go away when we ignore them; they grow wild and take over.”
Although Beattie is a vociferous proponent of twelve step programs, particularly Al-Anon, she dedicates only one chapter of the book to this approach while using the others to outline her personal advice. She ends each chapter with activities for the reader, including questions to answer, topics for reflection, and lifestyle suggestions. In one of her most actionable chapters, ‘Pieces and Bits’, she gives what might be my favourite advice in the book: “Quit trying to make yourself trust someone you don’t trust.”
In my opinion, Codependency No More earns it place as a classic self-help book. Although at times I felt it a bit longwinded, causing me to lose focus after the twentieth example of a specific pattern, I think for codependents Beattie’s intensity in driving points home might be just what is needed to allow her advice to sink in. I highly recommend this book for everyone as most of us either are currently or have been in codependent relationships. And, unless we live in a cave in the Himalayas or deep in the backcountry of British Columbia, we all know someone who is codependent.
